I didn’t think I’d like Sydney this much. It’s so beautiful. So diverse. Such wonder there is to discover around every turn. To finish work early and visit the beach for an afternoon swim. Or to start work late and begin the day with an early morning swim. Followed by breakfast and a coffee sat in cafes overlooking the glistening peaks of the waves crashing not fifty meters away.
I didn’t think I’d learn so much here. At least, I didn’t think I’d learn so much about the things I have. Many of which I’ve been forced to learn the hard way. Of course, these things are not easy to deal with. I’d be lying if I said a trip to the Emergency Department of the local hospital wasn’t a part of this learning process. Or the three days in a mental health ward that followed.
I knew this year was going to be a game changer for me. I guess I just saw the game changing in a different way. Six months in a relationship doomed from the start was one such hurdle to face. And the bi-weekly psychology appointments that have followed are another. And yet without these, certain revelation-ary breakthroughs would never have been made.
I’m twenty-three this year. It’s my favourite number. Inevitably my expectations for the year were high. My move to Sydney and step up and into my ‘dream job’ filled me with the idea that I was on the right path for an incredibly stable and exciting year. And yet the stability train derailed just weeks in.
It’s hard to believe six months have now passed. Beginning with three weeks sleeping on a couch and ending with another three weeks sleeping on a couch [before moving into my new flat]. Strange also to think that I began my time here managing my own gym only now to be working as a receptionist at another whilst earning the lowest hourly wage of my post-school working life.
And yet remarkably for the first time I feel free from the expectation of society as I pursue things outside of just a ‘career’ but instead things that I am genuinely interested in; things that I have always been eager to explore.
There was a poignant moment in recent weeks in which I declined a number of opportunities to further my career within the familiar surrounds of the fitness industry choosing instead to prioritise both my mental health and the pursuits of inner potential left largely untapped until now. I cannot accurately describe the sense of freedom I felt in these moments.
I am always drawn back to the thought that we always know what we would rather be doing; we always know the things we really want to be doing in life. We just create a shopping list of excuses as to why it’s not possible.
As children are are lead by instinctual desires. We know things and act on things not from fact but from instinct. At such an age it is all we have. And yet as we grow older we lose sight of this. It’s sad. And confusing.
I am learning now to go back to these roots of instinctual decision making. To trust and respect myself enough to act on these deeply rooted desires of my heart and of my soul. Not to doubt or to second guess. But to believe.
In a way it is faith. The courage to act on something not seen but felt. Might I reference the law of attraction? Or what others would call prayer? Sending out positive energies to a God or the universe. Such power there is in something even as small as a mustard seed.
I am beginning to understand the complexities of creation. I am beginning to grasp a more holistic understanding of humanity and what we all feel. The connection we all share to something greater; our united pursuit for an understanding of how and why we have come to reside on this planet.
Of course this blog began with the title, ‘Beaches, Bibles, Beers and Babes’. I was assured that I was embarking on a journey toward spiritual enlightenment. I saw that coming in a different form though early adventures to protestant congregations were short-lived. I could not remain a part of such a close minded family of ‘believers’. Surely there is more they don’t believe than that which they do.
As my mind has expanded through experience and connection my faith has not withered but flourished. And it will continue to do so. The prospect of further adventures abroad and escapades into the world of film, TV and theater continue to whet my appetite for exploration, both of myself and the world around me.
Herein lies my purpose with love both my means and my motive.