They call it a stream of consciousness. Where you just start writing and don’t stop to read over what you are writing. That’s what I’m doing now.
I haven’t written for a while. I don’t know where the weeks are going! I’ve been through an interesting period as of late. Financial doom loomed large for a period. Miraculously I was able to pull through with the help of close friends. It was a re-commitment to my connection with a higher purpose. It was the embrace of what Tony Robbins describes as ‘absolute certainty’. It was the knowledge that things were going to be okay no matter what. That the job, the flat, the friends and the opportunities I required would come. And they did. Through patience, prayer and persistence I was able to endure.
And so I sit here today ready to start work. I don’t feel too great. Sydney’s cold and rainy weather is taking its toll with illness slowly setting in. I’ve wanted to write more. But I’ve been distracted by life and things that are happening. Study, now, that has recommenced. Marketing. Advertising. I love it! The pursuit of a deeper understanding of human psychology. Behavioural economics. It’s fascinating!
I didn’t see myself studying this year. I’d put it on hold last year when work and other projects got in the way. Instead I’d entertained ideas of travel and adventure. Dreams in which I saw myself downsizing my life, packing my bags and setting off on a journey around the world! That’s what I had in my mind for 2017. And yet a relationship, short-lived albeit, opened my mind to some ideas that I hadn’t previously considered. It made me realise that the talents I have could no longer be allowed to remain undeveloped and unrefined; that I needed to invest greater time into understanding and expanding my knowledge base. And so within a week the decision to return to study seemed obvious. And with it a return to a dream I first had at the age of eleven.
Let me add that this relationship was rather disappointing in the end. Though short, it didn’t seem that way. And so heartbreak was an unfortunate consequence of its quick demise. Though I recognize the important part it played in my forward steps. It reminded me of underlying anger and the passion I have for empathy and selfless nature. It is hard for me to write. Still there is a wound to heal. This realm can be a times all too confusing.
But still I march on. Making plans. Assessment deadlines loom. I am progressing. This feels good. I acknowledge and embrace the sacrifices I must make in order to fulfill this grand vision. It is hard to say no to social invitations when for so long this was all my soul craved. Acceptance. Belonging. Sure, there is a balance I must find. And in this space I feel I am also making progress. But still I must not allow myself to become distracted.
Every day I add thoughts and ideas to the journal I carry around with me. Thoughts and ideas on businesses, speeches and changes I hope to soon create in the world. Improvements. I don’t know exactly how all of these ideas will unite to guide my direction. But slowly I feel I am getting there.
I carry a US $1 bill with me in my wallet leftover from my time in California last year. It serves as motivation that pushes me toward the next phase of learning I will embark on. Sometimes you just know when something feels right. And so very quickly this has become my goal. A return to the US to connect and to learn.
Surely things will only get harder from here. My patience for ‘the simple life’ I am currently lead to live will wear thin I’m sure. And yet in honesty to myself I must confess that all these visions and dreams I have are not self-created. And with that in mind I must realise that the strength I must find to achieve such feats will only come from the same origin.
And so I look up.