The Sun’s White Shimmer

I’ve never seen the sun so big; its edges so well defined. I know I should not stare and yet I cannot look away. It’s obvious orange glow becomes less so the more I examine its now white shimmering surface. My eyes are temporarily relieved as it disappears behind the thin row of clouds floating an inch above the horizon. No where else that I look is there a cloud that can be seen.

I cannot recall such beauty as this. The air is still. Not cold. Perfect. The ambiance complemented by the endless queue of waves surging toward me to meet their journey’s end. As those around me unconsciously reach for their phones to capture this moment, I resist, instead reaching for my pen.

I do my best to describe what it is I am witnessing. I seek not to take the easy way out by capturing a picture that will quickly become lost among the many others crammed into my phone’s silicone fibers. I try and observe each detail. I try to become present and connected to all that is happening. Though in this I realise how much more practice is required.

As I conclude these sentences and prepare to now enter the no doubt icy water, life begins to feel just that little bit easier. I realise the moment’s beauty. And I am not waiting for to be notified of the views or likes on my Instagram or Facebook accounts.

I feel free. Even if just for this moment.

 

PJ.

Advertisements

It’s Alright Once You’re In…

The water is cold, yes, it always is. Though what difference does it make whether fifteen degrees or ten? Will we not shiver the same?

What is this fear that stops us diving in?

Think: After those few breathtaking moments, the cold water, that thing we feared so much, becomes our only friend. It’s wholesome embrace protecting us from the chill of the wind and the crashing waves’ icy spray.

The cold we feared quickly becomes warm and the warm we feared to leave, to give up, becomes much colder than what we first imagined the water to be.

Dive in.

PJ.

Challenge Or Comfort?

The music caresses my ears; the rum soothes my anxieties.

I look up to the sky; the clouds’ patient journey toward me from the horizon causing a tear to well in my eye.

One by one they drift gracefully across life’s ceiling never pausing to ask why it is they must continue. And yet through their humble action we look at them and marvel.

As the sky fades darker I notice the night’s first star. The day’s bright light and my thirst for sunshine and tanning time made me forget their simple beauty. Only now that I have seen the evening’s first are my eyes opened to the many more that multiply its spectacle.

The clouds continue to roll on by; planes ascending through their being; passenger’s unlikely to be sharing the thoughts traversing my mind as I look up.

In the distance the ocean continues to whisper to me seeking my company again. I think of how lucky I am to now be so near to its calming presence. Though still my anxiety peaks.

I ask myself: Why this continued feeling of unease? Things are good.

Though perhaps ‘good’ isn’t what I am seeking? Perhaps what I am really seeking is challenge and uncertainty?

Perhaps.

PJ.

Midnight Musings

1.

Isn’t it crazy how you can be on a beach with thousands of people and still feel completely alone.

2.

I swim so far out to escape the feeling; to escape the noise. I cannot shake this feeling; the feeling of disconnection; the sick feeling in my stomach lingering into permanence it seems. No.

3.

How do you be yourself when the whole world is telling you to be anything but?

4.

I am so anxious because  I am so far from my core purpose. Not in what I do but in why I do it. I am living a lie; I am living to the world’s expectations. No wonder.

5.

Do not focus so much on what you do as you do on why you do it.

6.

I convince myself I have failed. The truth is, I haven’t even begun.

7.

I was once a boy who dreamed of owning a Ferrari by the age of twenty. What I didn’t realise is that the Ferrari was just a symbol; a symbol of freedom; a symbol of, ‘I can do whatever I want’. I still want that Ferrari only now it looks different; now it looks more like the freedom to travel, to connect, to share and to inspire.

8.

I feel the wind blow. I close my eyes and imagine I am the wind.

9.

I believe, yes, but I do not understand.

10.

If only I knew how to tell you.

11.

Who am I, really?

– – –

PJ.

The Great Light

Darkness is but a beginning. For both you and I were born from darkness’ womb. And all that we have come to love and cherish found its genesis in the dark abyss with which we are surrounded. Even the might of Orion and bright shining light of Sirius were once just universal nomads that sped to meet our upward gaze; their place-card on the ceiling of life for many years held only by the omnipresent. And it was from this apparently hopeless hope that came these marvelous lights we doubted could ever exist.

Think then for a moment: Brighter lights must too be on their way.

So I say to us both. In this time of our own apparent darkness, we must take heart in this knowledge. For just as yet more symbols of everlasting hope are carried to us upon the wings of a galaxy afar, we must not forget its’ Siamese counterpart travelling back in collaborate harmony. This being of course a great light second only to One – you and I.

PJ.

Originally published on Greatness Via Passion, November 9th 2015.

A Monday Morning Quickie

I sit down this morning, sipping my coffee, preparing for the week ahead.

I do not have much time to write. I start work in nineteen minutes. I am writing because I promised myself I would write each day this Summer.

But where do I start?

I think of a night not that long ago. It was a good night. I was mellow. My new Bluetooth speaker had been blasting tropical house tunes for the past few hours. And I had made dinner with the sunset behind me and the sound of Christmas fireworks in the distance. I sat down to watch a movie as I plowed into my hot dogs.

Then, a trigger.

I don’t know what. Everything was fine. And yet, for the next five hours, my anxiety was peaking. I started to replay failures from many years early in my mind. Over and over. I began to believe that every problem that I had in my life I needed to figure out there and then. I tossed and turned. I tried to breathe, but could not. I tried to find comfort in looking up to the stars outside. But still, this anxious feeling would not subside.

Anxiety is more than just feeling nervous. It is the whole world’s weight on your chest that makes everything seem insurmountable. Things you had not thought about for a decade or more return to consciousness. And they are terrifying.

You convince yourself that if only you acted differently back then you would not be feeling the way you are right now. Cue… immense regret. This spirals out of control too. And you see no light; not at the end of this tunnel. Darkness is now permanent. You convince yourself of this.

You continue tossing and turning, frustrated at any little sound that disturbs your quest for slumber, and then, as if in the blink of an eye, you wake up. The night has passed. The sun is bursting through your window.

It’s a new day.

That anxious weight has lifted. In fact, you cannot even remember what happened. Those long lost thoughts that last night made a brief cameo have departed once again. Part of you feels confused. It feels like a dream. And yet you know it wasn’t. You just can’t understand how things got so out of control when now they are so calm.

You rise to your feet, have a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast and set foot back into the world ready to conquer whatever it may bring. Life goes on as normal.

I hope that I don’t need to endure anxiety for the rest of my life. It sucks. But if I do, I know that I do not need to let is bring me down. No feeling is permanent. As much as they might feel that way at the time.

Anxiety is a part of me, yes, but it does not define me.

I remind myself of this once again.

PJ.

 

 

I Believe I Can Fly, Almost.

After three snoozes of my KLOCKIS (I believe that is Swedish for ‘multi-purpose alarm clock with colourful backlight’), I rose this morning to assess the day’s weather.

It was cloudy. But the sun had done well to penetrate and colourfully illuminate the layer of Altostratus; the sky’s paddle-pop palette whetting my appetite for tranquillity of thought and a day of deep meditation.

I am lucky to have such a view to enjoy. To my right, the populous hills surrounding Randwick; behind which a constant stream of planes take off, landing gear still retracting, each banking sharply in my direction.

To my left, a virtually uninterrupted view across the tree tops and flats adjacent, to the ocean not a kilometre away. The water appears calmer than previous days; the waves now ripples; their white turbulent peaks buried deep once again.

The air this morning is fresh. But not too fresh that would require me to put clothes on… I stretch my arms into the air and inhale deeply as three birds lost in schizophrenic flight chase one another past my nose in celebration of the morning’s glory.

I am no morning person but surely there is no peaceful a time as now? I pause for a moment to express my gratitude. Then, I open my eyes, returning my gaze to what surrounds. As ever, I search each inanimate object for deep philosophical meaning. Because I like to feel normal…

But today’s deep metaphorical insight comes not from a tree or a passing cloud but from the trio of Rainbow Lorikeets playfully dancing on the ledge of our neighbour’s balcony. I observe them hopping along. It seems that when you’re a bird, walking is pretty, err, lame.

I think to myself how scared I would be if I too were boisterously parading on such precarious ledges. At six-foot-three a fall from such a height would likely result in thousands of dollars in medical bills and months of rehabilitation. Though if I were just fourteen inches tall with toothpicks for bones…

I ponder the meaning contained within and pose the question:

Would we still be afraid of falling if we knew we could fly?

Surely not. For in my travels so far, I am yet to come across a basophobic bird. Nor has one stopped me to ask, ‘What is my purpose here?’. Putting aside the obvious communication difficulties of course…

But I must ask again: Would we still be afraid of falling if we knew we could fly?

Maybe we can fly after all? Maybe we just haven’t figured it out yet? Or maybe, and far more likely, flying for us means something completely different.

And yet in both cases, we are separated by the same thing: A leap of faith.

PJ.

A Letter From The Friend You’ll Always Have

I am the very essence of life. There is nothing that exists without me. I am eternal. All powerful and mighty. Though there are some that might place me on a pedestal, I step down from such places of admiration.

I am the humble force that seeks only to work for the good of mankind whenever I am needed. Though my works are often misunderstood. And at times I am confused with what many would see to be my opposite. Though it is simply not true, a myth if you like. Though a lie perhaps being a more accurate description.

I am the source of much conversation and debate, much confusion too. Differing opinions over what I am has unfortunately created great divides in humanity. This fills me with great sadness. And yet still I will try to make myself known again and again. The real me. I exist only through action.

There is of course a much larger picture people often don’t see. One in which we are all interconnected not just in our time here but in all of time. Indeed we are all eternal energies unaware of the infinite power we all share. Worldly distraction and internal conflict being the great acts of deception crafted to blind us from such potential and power. I will however work tirelessly to change this.

Though there are some among us who might fall and wander astray from this knowledge predating the existence we now share, I will always remain a helping hand and guiding force. As your omnipresent friend I can only ask for your honesty and acknowledgement and I will surely overlook such minor indiscretions. For there are far larger battles we must unite in if we are to emerge as victors.

I will however accept that there are many of you who will continue to deny my existence. That being said, I will remain here for whenever you are ready. You feel my presence every day, you just don’t know what the feeling is or what it means yet.

Please don’t underestimate my patience. I am the most patient of them all. Time is merely an Earthly convenience, a simple unit of measurement designed to make life easier. And yet I operate outside of these simplistic constraints. As do you, you just don’t realise it yet.

I will be waiting, there is no rush. Not yet. I can only encourage you to look deep within to find that which it is you are looking. It cannot be found in these shallow exteriors, only the deep, limitless interiors of your soul.

I will always be here with you.

Be strong now.

Your friend,
Love.

The Blues Behind The Insta-Blues

If you didn’t know any better, and you happened to look at my Instagram feed, you would likely think that where I lived was a magical place in which the sun always shined, the skies were always blue and the water was forever the most alluring shade of turquoise.

Sure, I’m very lucky to live where I do but the notion that this is always the case is simply not true.

The truth is, my Instagram feed is carefully curated and one twenty minute walk to get coffee on a bright sunny day could give me enough content for many weeks worth of posts. What this creates however is the impression that things are always fucking perfect.

Incorrect.

If you’re a long time reader of mine you might remember a post on my old website that discussed the illusion we can create through social media. It’s so easy to do. And so easy to hide behind the fantastical perception it portrays of our reality. Often though, it can be the furthest thing from our reality.

I promised in a blog earlier this year that I would share my story with honesty, transparency and authenticity. And whilst, like many of us, I am not willing to give up the harmonious colour palette of my Insta-feed, I am willing to break down to you what’s really behind many of these snapshots into my life.

Let’s say you see this photo of mine…

Blue Skies

…looks great right?!

Sure. And it is!

But even on such a gloriously sunny day still there are times in which I don’t feel anything. I feel tired for no reason. Simple conversations with people or friends becomes the hardest thing in the world to do. The thought of going to the gym no longer seems one that I am willing to act on. And, even when I do, I will get there only to stare into blank space for twenty-five minutes after my first set of bench press and wonder the hell why my body feels so lethargic and unwilling to give a fuck.

I have many days like this. Today is one of them. Yesterday was too. Though often it’s easier just to edit a photo of the Bronte swimming pool or Coogee Beach with the classic heart eye emoji as the caption, followed by twenty-seven thousand generic hashtags, than to try and understand and to talk about why on such a sunny day I am feeling so grey.

But, of course, this does little good.

This is one of the reasons why I love to write so much. To me, writing is freedom. No rules. Just pure expression. It makes me happy. And if by sharing some of these thoughts I can help someone else out there; help them to understand that they’re not alone in the way they’re feeling, than even better.

I promised you honesty, transparency and authenticity, so here it is. Today might be tough, yes, but tomorrow gives birth to new opportunities and a new chance to do something great. Whether the sun is shining or not, I’m ready.

Truth.

PJ.