The Moments That Make Me

All of the awkward silences,
The sleepless nights,
The tear soaked pillows,
The tossing, the turning and the toiling.

All of the blood, the sweat,
The anguish and the heartache.
The ups and the downs
And of course all of the broken promises.

The betrayal, the devastation;
Innumerable days filled with ponder, hoping.
All of the moments of financial insecurity and uncertainty;
The moments of wonder: How will I survive exactly?

Though despite my struggles,
I am still here.
I am still fighting.
I am still alive.

These moments have made me who I am today;
I am thankful for these testing times.
They give me the strength, the courage – the fight.
These moments serve as my inspiration.

My destiny draws ever closer.
This is my life, my dream.
It is real.
It is happening.

I will never give up.

PJ.

Originally published on Greatness Via Passion, 2014.

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Step 1: Headshots

‘Chin down. More. Eyes. Mouth slightly open. Chin down. Eyes. Chin Down.’

The lights flashed around me. The subtle click of the shutter accelerated my heart rate. I could feel as the moisture slowly began to drain from my lips. My chin was now so far down that it felt as if I was looking at the camera through the top of my scalp.

‘Relaaaax…’

I’ve only done one photoshoot before. But nothing like this. This was the first step into the world of ‘modelling’. As coined with my girlfriend, this was: ‘Step 1: Headshots’.

Cringe.

You first have to understand a few things to properly grasp the kind of step this was for me. You would have to revisit my once upon a time YouTube channel and the video ‘Acne Is A Bitch‘ to realise the magnitude of this leap.

People have been suggesting I do this for a while though I still don’t quite get itI still don’t see what they see. If I’m honest, I don’t think I ever really want to.

There was a period not that long ago in which I avoided looking at myself in the mirror for many months at a time; the painful memories of the acne riddled years prior continuing to haunt me. Still there are days like these. And the pages of the book on this subject that I will one day publish continue to fill.

And though the prospect of travelling to places like Milan, Paris, New York and back to London are exciting, my expectations for this little adventure remain grounded. For now I’m just giving it a go. Learning something new. Experiencing something different. Seeing what happens.

Besides, I don’t really want to have to ‘lose three kilograms’ or ‘cut out the beers and pizza’. Vodka lime and sodas really aren’t my cup of tea…